Empathic listening is along with honest expression and self-compassion, one of the three processes of Nonviolent Communication and is focused on connection with others. When we listen empathetically, we try to be fully present with our attention to be with what is alive in the other person life. We temporarily set aside our own ideas, judgments, and solutions, without losing contact with ourselves in the process. We are full of attention, and empty of thoughts, assumptions, and good intentions.
In the work of Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of the model of Nonviolent Communication, various qualities that contribute to connection and empathy are highlighted. The American trainer in Nonviolent Communication and meditation teacher Oren Jay Sofer brings them together in three pillars for “mindful” communication:
- Presence: to be present in the current moment
- Intention: come from curiosity and care
- Attention: focus on what matters
For me, these three pillars make clear what empathic listening requires from us.
Presence: the foundation for empathic listening
During conversations, a lot happens at the same time. We listen, interpret what the other person means, think ahead of time about about our response and feel in the meantime our own emotions surfacing. Our nervous system is also put on alert by social contact, which causes our attention to easily shift outward. It is not easy to consciously stay present stay with ourselves and at the same time with the other.
If we aren’t truly present in the interaction, we notice that often right away. That is the moment when we disengage. We are unnoticedly carried away by our thoughts and feelings and tend to react based on automatic patterns such as pleasing others, fighting, flight or freezing.
Mindfulness is the practice of noticing what arises: thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. We try not to react to them immediately and keep returning to the present moment. In this way, we learn to recognize our automatic patterns.
Our body can serve as an anchor in this regard. For instance, we can feel the weight of our body, the contact with the chair or the ground, our breathing, or the sensations in our hands and feet. By keeping some of our attention on our body, it is easier to remain present when all sorts of things are going on inside us during a conversation.
This creates a bit more space between a trigger and our reaction to it. We gain more freedom to respond consciously rather than automatically based on a fixed pattern.
Intention in empathic listening: curiosity and care
The quality of our connection is also largely determined by the inner attitude from which we listen. Intention concerns the quality of the heart behind our words.
Our beliefs play an important role in this. When we tell ourselves that people are selfish, that conflicts must be won, or that there isn’t enough for everyone, we are more likely to react defensively or go on the offensive. When we approach situations with genuine curiosity and care, a different quality of connection emerges.
When practicing empathic listening, it helps to reflect on why we are listening. Do we want to understand what is going on inside the other person? busy formulating our own answer, devising a solution, or trying to change the other person
The intention to understand does not mean we have to agree with the other person. We can try to understand someone’s experience while simultaneously holding a different opinion or setting a boundary. Empathy does not require us to set ourselves aside, either; we remain in touch with what is happening within us while staying open to the other person’s experience.
Sometimes we notice that we are too emotionally affected, tired, or tense to listen with open attention. In such cases, it can help to acknowledge this honestly and continue the conversation at another time.
Attention in empathic listening: feelings and needs
With presence, we practice staying in the present moment, creating space to respond consciously. With intention, we examine the energy we bring to the interaction. From that foundation of presence and intention, the question then arises: where do we focus our attention during the conversation?
In conversations, we often focus on the story. Who said what? Who is right? What went wrong? What should someone else have done? Our attention easily shifts to opinions, judgments, interpretations, and solutions.
In Nonviolent Communication, empathic listening involves focusing our attention on the feelings and needs underlying the other person’s words. This does not mean we know exactly what the other person is feeling or needing. We listen, try to step into the other person’s experience, and tentatively check whether we have understood it correctly. Sometimes we do this through words; at other times, by remaining quietly and attentively present.
We view expressions of criticism, frustration, or anger as tragic expressions of unmet needs: “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
Practice with empathic listening.
When someone shares pain, anger, or sadness with us, we often want to do something. We offer advice, provide reassurance, ask numerous questions, or share a similar experience from our own lives. We often do this because we care and genuinely want to help. Yet, the other person may feel that there is little room for their own story. It often helps to listen first and hold off on offering a solution. In Nonviolent Communication, this is known as ‘empathy before education’: establishing a connection before giving advice, explaining something, or attempting to solve the problem. This does not mean that advice or practical help is wrong; the timing makes a significant difference. We can listen first and then ask: ‘Would you like me just to listen, or would you also like to explore this together?’ We seek to understand the impact the situation is having on the person and what matters to them.
Empathic listening is an exercise in returning again and again:
- to the present moment through our body;
- toward our intention to understand;
- listening to the feelings and needs behind the words.
When we remain present, listen with curiosity, and focus our attention on what matters to the other person, more space for connection opens up. This increases the likelihood that the other person feels their words are truly being received and that there is room for what is alive within them.
Would you like to further practice empathic listening? At Equanimity, you can take training courses in Nonviolent Communication, where you learn to listen to feelings and needs, as well as how to express yourself clearly and in a way that fosters connection. We also offer mindfulness training, where you practice being more consciously present with whatever arises in the moment.