Do you recognize this? You are truly angry or frustrated, and someone adds a “Yes, but…” to the conversation. It is an example of an empathy pitfall that acts like a red rag to a bull. Or as Marshall Rosenberg said: “Never put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person.”
When you are angry, struggling with something, or have experienced something sad, you often hope for an empathetic response from a friend, colleague, or partner. Yet you have likely experienced that not every well-intentioned reaction is actually helpful. In one situation, advice is exactly what you need. In another, that same advice is completely unbearable. Sometimes comfort feels warm and supportive, while at another time, you primarily want to be left alone.
Why is that?
What are empathy pitfalls?
Empathy pitfalls are responses intended to be empathetic but which are not experienced as such (or at least not at that moment). They are also referred to as empathy blockers. Within Nonviolent communication, Marshall Rosenberg described these responses as ways in which we unintentionally disconnect. We often react automatically, out of involvement or good intentions. Because of this, we sometimes fail to attune to what the other person truly needs at that moment.
Examples of empathy pitfalls
These are several recognizable empathy pitfalls that often occur in conversations:
- Sharing your own story: you are struggling with something and while you are explaining what you experienced, the other person starts talking about a similar (or even more intense) experience of their own or someone else’s. “I know exactly how you feel.” Really?
- Advising: you share something vulnerable and the other person immediately offers tips, solutions, or explanations about what you should have done or ought to do.
- Taking the blame: “Did you lose your job? Oh no, I am so sorry… I should never have encouraged you to work there.”
- Soothing or minimizing: your heart is broken and someone says: “Oh well, look at it this way: there are plenty of other fish in the sea.” (True story).
- Pity or excessive consoling: the reaction is so sympathetic that you think: it really isn’t that bad.
- Judging or lecturing: “Well, that wasn’t very smart of you, of course.” Or: “I saw that coming from a mile away.”
- Correcting: “No, you aren’t angry; you are just disappointed.”
- Providing explanations: “I understand it is annoying for you, but you see, the thing is…”
- Interrogating: “What did you say, your dog was hit by a car? Where? By whom? At what time?”
- Sympathy: “Oh, how terrible to hear, you poor soul, it really affects me deeply that you are telling me this. What can I do for you?”
You might think regarding some of these reactions: but this isn’t so bad, is it?
And that is correct. Comfort, advice, minimization, or sharing your own story can all be helpful. This is not about ‘good’ or ‘bad’ communication. The same reaction can be connecting in one situation and create distance in another.
What makes a response empathetic?
The essence lies not in the words themselves, but in the attunement to the feelings and needs of the person to whom you wish to give empathy. That attunement determines whether your reaction is experienced as empathetic or not.
Responding empathetically begins with being fully present. With your full attention on the other person and empty of assumptions or judgments. Or as it is said in English: to be (a) present. You give your attention and your presence as a gift to the other person, without wanting to solve, improve, or achieve anything.
What does the other person need right now? To be heard? Understanding? Peace? Advice? Reflection? Or perhaps a concrete proposal? In a training session recently, a couple shared how they had solved this together. When she shares something and he wants to respond, he now first asks: “Do you want me to listen, or do you want to know what I think about it?” For these partners, that works surprisingly well. No more guesswork. No more misunderstandings. Instead, clarity and connection.
The difference between empathy and sympathy
As soon as we start including ourselves in the other person’s story, empathy shifts toward sympathy. As soon as we want to be of significance, we are more likely to slip into reactions that say more about our own needs we are trying to fulfill than being attuned to the needs of the other. For example, if we want to give advice out of our own need to be significant, for progress, or for change, it will land well with the recipient one time and not the next.
Empathy requires that we do not make assumptions, but rather attune ourselves. Empathy does not require perfect words, but rather slowing down, curiosity, and the courage to do nothing for a moment.
Informative viewing: Brené Brown created this video about the distinction between Empathy and Sympathy.