“You can’t always get what you want.”
— The Rolling Stones
When we want something very badly, we sometimes forget that there is another person involved and that there are multiple ways to achieve our goal. We can get quite stuck in our strategy—in what it is we want—and meanwhile lose sight of the reason why we want it so much in the first place: our needs.
The more fixated we become on a specific outcome, the less room there is for creative solutions. It has to be done this way, with this person, and preferably right now. And if the other person doesn’t go along with it, we have all sorts of tactics to get our way regardless.
In Nonviolent communication, we distinguish between strategies and needs. We may not always be able to get exactly what we want. The question is whether we can try something so that we get what we need.
If we want things done our way…
Imagine you are working on a project with a colleague and have been waiting a while for their contribution. The deadline is approaching, and you want to move forward. You need progress, clarity, and perhaps a greater sense of shared responsibility. Yet, amidst the pressure of the workload, you aren’t always aware of these underlying needs. Your primary thought is simply: he just needs to finish that part. So, you send a message: “Will you finally manage to finish it today?” Or, putting it a bit more politely: “It would be great if I could move forward with this today…” You might end up taking over the task yourself, or applying extra pressure: “If I don’t have it by today, I’ll hold you responsible for the consequences!”
When we want things done our way, we might make demands, drop hints, persuade, use flattery, negotiate, or issue threats. These are all ways to get our strategy—what we believe needs to happen—carried out. And often, it actually works! Your colleague might end up delivering the document right away after all, or your partner might reluctantly agree to go to that dinner he was actually too tired for.
The only question is what happens to the relationship in the meantime. We might get what we wanted, but the other person only complies to escape the nagging, out of guilt, to avoid a hassle, or simply because they don’t feel like arguing. Yet, if our underlying need was for support, cooperation, engagement, or connection, we actually end up drifting further away from that. At some point, this can backfire on us: the other person stops listening, says ‘yes’ but does the opposite, withdraws, or engages in conscious or unconscious sabotage.
If we want connection…
Marshall Rosenberg encouraged us to ask two questions when we want to get something done: “What do I want the other person to do?” and, immediately afterwards, “What do I want their reasons to be for doing it?”
In Nonviolent Communication, we do not want anyone to do something for us out of a sense of duty, fear, guilt, or the expectation of a reward. We do not want anyone to do violence to themselves simply to do what we want. The intention in Nonviolent communication is connection, not being right or getting our way. We focus on what is alive in the moment and remain open to the feelings and needs of the other person.
In Nonviolent Communication, a request is an invitation to contribute voluntarily to our well-being, stemming from the natural joy we find in enriching each other’s lives. That does not mean we can no longer want a colleague to finish a task, a partner to put away their phone, or a decision to finally be made. We can still ask for these things very clearly. The difference lies in our intention and our willingness to hear what is going on for the other person.
If our strategy doesn’t work, there may be other possibilities. We might not get exactly what we want, but we may well find a way to ensure our needs are met.
From need to strategy and request
Strategies are various concrete ways in which we can meet a need. There are always multiple possible strategies for any given need. For instance, if we have a need to relax, one person might take a bath, another might watch Netflix, and someone else might go for a 100-kilometer bike ride. As human beings, we all share the same needs, yet we differ in the ways we try to meet them. A request is a concrete proposal for such a strategy—addressed either to oneself or to another person.
The distinction between a need and a strategy is important. If we believe there is only one way for our need to be met, we easily become attached to that single solution. Our strategy then quickly turns into something that *must* happen. The P.L.A.T.O. check can help us recognize the difference.
If what you call a “need” includes a person, location, action, time, or object, you actually already have a strategy in mind. “I need you to be home tonight” might sound like a need, but it involves a specific person, action, and time. Underlying this might be a need for connection, companionship, support, or clarity—needs that could be met through a variety of other strategies. It may not necessarily have to be that specific person, at that specific moment, doing exactly what you had envisioned. The question is always: what concrete steps can you take yourself, or what can you ask of someone else, to meet your needs?
Different types of requests
Before making a request, it helps to pause and consider what you actually want to get out of the conversation. Do you want someone to do something? Do you want to know if the other person understands you? Or do you want to better understand what is going on for the other person? In Nonviolent Communication, we distinguish between requests for connection and requests for action.
Requests for connection in Nonviolent communication
You may recognize the situation where you have expressed yourself quite reasonably and clearly, yet the other person reacts with irritation rather than enthusiasm. At such moments, simply repeating your request—even if you say it more loudly or clearly—usually doesn’t help. What is likely needed first is connection. For many people, it is important to feel genuinely heard before they are open to listening to your side of things. Empathy before education—or connection before correction.
A request for connection can be very simple. You might check whether the other person has understood you correctly, or shift your focus to them: “How is this for you?” or “How do you see this?” You are not seeking a concrete action, but rather contact, clarity, understanding, acknowledgment, appreciation, or empathy.
Action Requests in Nonviolent Communication
From there, you can make a request for action: a concrete proposal for something you hope will meet your need. For example: “Would you be willing to have a call tomorrow at 9:00 AM?” A handy mnemonic for this is SPAN. A request for action is as specific as possible so the other person knows exactly what you are asking for. It is phrased positively—stating what you *do* want rather than what you don’t—and it is actionable; also, saying “no” is okay.
The last one is particularly interesting. After all, what happens to you when the other person says ‘no’? Can you remain curious about what lies behind that ‘no’? Can you ask, “What *would* work for you?” The more concrete your initial request was, the easier it is for the other person to come up with a workable counter-proposal.
Your house or mine?
When making a request, it can also be helpful to ask yourself: on whose ‘house’ is my attention actually focused? Often, we are primarily in our own house. You try to articulate what you have observed, what you feel and need, and what you would like to ask the other person. “Can you imagine the effect this has on me?” Or, when you want to ask for something specific: “Are you willing to call me tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.?”
You can also shift your attention to the other person’s perspective. What is happening there? How did the other person experience the situation? What are they feeling, and what is important to them? “How does it affect you when I say this?” Or: “Is it true that you are disappointed about this because you needed clarity?”
Even when looking for a solution together, you can move back and forth between those two “houses.” “This is what would work for me; how about you?” Or: “What would work for you?” In this way, the conversation constantly shifts between what is going on inside me and what is going on inside you—between connection and action. We don’t have to let go of our own needs in the process; instead, we look for a way that takes into account what matters to both of us.
Requests as practical spirituality
Marshall Rosenberg spoke of Nonviolent communication as a form of practical spirituality—life energy and love made visible in our actions. In this context, nonviolence is not a passive stance, but a force for change that begins, first and foremost, within ourselves.
We grow up in systems that teach us that not everyone’s needs matter equally—that we must obey those above us and can exercise power over those below us. We also learn, at times, to set aside our own needs or, conversely, to treat the needs of others as less important. Rosenberg developed Nonviolent communication partly as a way to break free from this ‘cultural conditioning’ and reconnect with our needs, which he viewed as “the divine energyof life.”
Making requests within Nonviolent communication is a concrete example of this. We take our own needs seriously without holding the other person responsible for fulfilling them. We express what we would like, while remaining open to the other person’s needs.
From what you want to what you need
In Nonviolent communication, a request is therefore not simply a polite way to get our own way after all. We may know exactly what we want, but we try to stay connected to the underlying need and to what is going on for the other person. Sometimes, we do not get exactly what we asked for—or at least not right away. In that case, we can return to the need: Why was this so important to me? And if this strategy doesn’t work, what other possibilities are there?
Your colleague doesn’t submit the work today, but a constructive conversation ensues about realistic priorities and responsibilities. Your partner doesn’t join you for that dinner out, but your friends come over to play games and eat sushi, and you have a wonderful evening. And sometimes things simply don’t go the way you’d like, leaving you feeling disappointed or sad. Needs don’t always have to be met; above all, they want to be acknowledged.
“You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you might find
You get what you need”
— The Rolling Stones