Sharing feelings can be a great relief. It helps us process our experiences and has a connecting effect in communication. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it strengthens and deepens our relationships. However, the words we choose to express feelings are important. You might notice that expressing your feelings sometimes has no connecting effect at all. Instead of understanding or recognition, you receive resistance or irritation. Consequently, you become even angrier or more indignant. How is that possible?
There is a high probability that you have become stuck in what is called “quasi-feelings” within Connecting or Nonviolent communication. Because quasi-feelings usually contain a judgment about another person, they tend to evoke resistance and irritation rather than empathy and understanding.
What are quasi-feelings?
Quasi-feelings or quasi-emotions are, in a sense, thoughts disguised as feelings. They are therefore also referred to as ‘thought-feelings.’ These are words that do not so much express how we feel inside, but rather say something about what we think or believe about another person. They are expressions of interpretations, analyses, and judgments from our minds, rather than expressions of what we feel in our hearts.
Quasi-feelings are deeply woven into our language, and we are very accustomed to using them. Examples of quasi-feelings include “I feel ignored,” “I feel unheard,” “I feel like you’re not taking me seriously,” “I feel unappreciated,” “I feel disrespected,” “I feel betrayed,” etc.
Although these expressions seem to be about what you feel, we are actually saying “You are ignoring me,” “You don’t see me,” “You aren’t taking me seriously,” which makes the other person feel attacked and leads them to counterattack or become defensive.
From “I feel… because you…” to “I feel… because I…”
An important insight from Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg is that another person can never be the cause of how you feel. Of course, we may disapprove of what someone else says or does, and it can certainly be the trigger or occasion for how we feel; however, the underlying cause of our feeling is always a need of our own that is or is not being met.
This explains why you might feel happy or relieved one time when a colleague makes a decision without consulting you first. Perhaps your needs for progress and focus are met at that moment, and therefore you find that colleague “independent” or “proactive.” At another time, you might feel irritation or insecurity about the exact same behavior from your colleague because your need for involvement or collaboration is not met. And then you suddenly find that colleague “unprofessional” and “not a team player.” Your colleague’s behavior is exactly the same in both cases, yet your feeling is 180 degrees different because you have a different need at that moment.
In Nonviolent communication, we would therefore not say in this example, “I feel ignored (quasi-feeling) because you did not coordinate your decision with me (reproach).” Instead, we could say, “When you make this decision without coordinating with me (observation), I feel surprised/uncertain (feeling) because coordination/input (need) is important to me. Would you be willing to call me a day in advance to consult before the next shipment (request)?”
When we express ourselves in quasi-feelings, we place responsibility for how we feel on someone else. In Nonviolent communication, we prefer to take ownership of our own feelings and needs.
How can you recognize quasi-feelings?
There are several ways to distinguish quasi-feelings from genuine feelings:
- The phrase “I feel that…” is usually followed by a quasi-feeling, because it implicitly implies a “by you.” For example: “I feel that I am being excluded” (thought) instead of “I feel lonely or sad” (feeling).
- Words starting with “un-” or containing “not,” such as “I feel unheard” or “not respected” (by you), are also often quasi-feelings. They express something that is wrong with another person, rather than what this does to us (feeling) and why (need).
- A feeling can be acted out without involving anyone else. As soon as you need someone else to act it out, it is generally a quasi-feeling.
Quasi-feelings and polarization in society
This mechanism of blaming another for how we feel applies both in personal relationships and on a larger scale in society. Social media, news platforms, and talk shows amplify quasi-emotions by driving indignation: content that evokes anger or frustration, blames another, and shows how others are rewarded or punished generates many clicks and viewers. People feel “abandoned by the elite” or “threatened by <group xyz>”. Just as in interpersonal communication, language becomes accusatory, and ‘feelings’ are used as weapons instead of bridges.
During discussions about the Middle East, migration, diversity, and climate policy, people quickly feel “attacked” and respond with an indignant emotional charge. Instead of dialogue, a struggle between camps emerges: us versus them. Instead of focusing on needs that are recognizable to all of us and through which we could connect as human beings (such as health, self-expression, safety, autonomy, freedom, care, belonging), polarization hardens, and nuance and mutual understanding disappear.
Research shows that this mechanism is reinforced by social media algorithms because indignation is the engine of clicks and engagement. It has become the business model. Furthermore, recent scientific research shows that this process is many times stronger online because the way social media works encourages ’emotionally reactive sharing,’ meaning we no longer read and listen with attention and nuance.
Learn more about Nonviolent Communication
Do you want to learn how to transform conflicts into connection and shape your communication without reproach? In our training sessions, we teach individuals, teams, and organizations to recognize feelings and link them to needs, to unmask quasi-emotions and thought-feelings, and to handle irritation and disagreements constructively. Sign up for a Nonviolent Communication training with Equanimity and discover how to strengthen connection personally and professionally and reduce conflict and polarization.