When we seek connection with ourselves or others, the processes of Nonviolent Communication can help us. By pausing our initial impulses and taking the time to become aware of what matters to us, we create space between our triggers and our response. We gain the freedom to transform an automatic reaction into a conscious response. With clarity regarding our needs, we can choose to offer ourselves empathy (self-compassion), step into the other person’s shoes (empathic listening), or speak our minds (honest expression). The four elements of Nonviolent Communication—observation, feeling, need, and request—increase the likelihood of establishing that connection.
Still you might have noticed that in the real world it doesn’t always work that way. That you words, even though you are completely communicating “by the book” still don’t turn out the way you had hoped. Or even turn out to be oil on the fire. Why is that and what can you do about it?
Sometimes your words don’t sound natural or they do not match what you really feel. Maybe the other person wants to be heard before there is room to hear your message. And sometimes someone is simply not used to the fact that you talk this way. How can you apply Nonviolent communication in practice, so that it sounds natural?
Classic Giraffe Language vs. “Street Giraffe”
When we use so-called “classical” or “formal” Giraffe Language, we follow the four-step model of Nonviolent communication. We start with an observation, followed by feelings related to our needs, and we end with a request. Practicing speaking according to this model is very helpful in internalizing the principles and core elements of Nonviolent Communication.
However, when you use this way of speaking in the “real world,” people may sometimes think you sound strange or robotic. There’s a risk that you’ll lose the connection with them, even though your intention was to connect. As a former musician, I therefore like to compare the elements of Nonviolent Communication to musical notes, chords, and scales. You can learn them all and string them together, but that doesn’t automatically create music that moves and that people enjoy listening to.
Nonviolent communication in a natural way
The “idiomatic” method, or Street Giraffe, means that you speak in a way that feels natural to you and for person you are talking to. You apply the principles of Nonviolent Communication freely, with the intention to connect with others, and not so much to do it by to the book.
When we practice this Nonviolent Communication “slang,” we explore how you can express a perception, feeling, need, and request in words that sound like ordinary spoken language. I will give a few examples of how this can work.
Imagine you are talking with someone who meanwhile is looking at his phone, while you would like to continue with your activities. Your initial response could then be: “Can we have this conversation for a moment without you looking at your phone the whole time ? I still have other things to do today”.
An example of the “classic” way of expressing yourself according to Nonviolent communication could then be:
“When I see you looking at your phone while we’re talking (observation), I feel uneasy (feeling), because I need focus and progress (need). Is something happening right now that’s demanding your attention? (request for connection) Or would you be willing to put your phone in your bag for now? (request for action)”.
Use other words
I often hear that some people find the word “need” difficult to use or hear. Apparently, there’s a certain stigma attached to it—it makes one seem “needy.” We also sometimes find the word “feeling” difficult to use. If you don’t want to use those words, you could say:
“When I see that you are looking at your phone during our conversation (observation), I feel restless (feeling). For me focus is important, so that I can move forward (need). Is there something that is demanding your attention right now? Or are you willing to put your phone in your bag for now? (request)”
Mix & match
You can also let go of the sequence of observation, feeling, needs and requests and place words in a sequence that is better suited for you. For example:
“I feel restless (feeling), and I would like some focus so that I can move forward (need). I notice that during our conversation you are looking at your phone (observation). Would you be willing to put your phone in your bag, or is there something that needs your attention right now? (request)”
Omit some elements
You can also omit elements. You can, for example, make a “naked request”: a request in which you do not mention all four elements. You share only what is important to you and what you would like from the other person:
“I would like to have this conversation with focus, so that I can move forward (need). Would you please put your phone in your bag or is there something else that needs your attention right now? (request)”
The advantage of this is that your message becomes shorter and more powerful. At the same time, all elements have a specific function. When you leave one out, you may miss a part of that function.
Share or not share feelings?
There is also a lot to say about the sharing of feelings. We live in a society in which we are used to hearing that everything is someone’s fault: either it is your fault, or it is my fault.
In Nonviolent communication, we connect our feelings to our own needs. I don’t feel restless because you are looking at your phone, but because I want focus and progress. Yet that’s not always what the other person hears, no matter how nonviolently we phrase it. Children, for example, can quickly come to believe that they are responsible for your feelings. Or perhaps in a certain context—for example, at work—you may find it uncomfortable or inappropriate to share your feelings. In that case, you can choose not to express the feeling.
Another possibility is what fellow NVC trainer Hester Macrander calls “Feeling+”. Instead of share the feelings associated with an unfulfilled need, such as restlessness, irritation or frustration, you mention the feeling that would arise if your need is met. If focus and progress for example make you feel relaxed, you can say:
“I would feel more relaxed (Feeling) if we can have this conversation with focus, so I can move forward (Need). Etc.”
The intention is connection
In short: the four elements of Nonviolent communication are very helpful in getting clear what is important to you and the other person. They help us learn the language and principles of Nonviolent communication. The elements increase the likelihood of connection, especially when we contrast them with the judgments, pseudo-feelings, strategies, and demands that we have often learned to use in our conversations.
There are no rules that you “must” follow during a conversation. Nonviolent communication is not a magic formula with which we can force connection. Ultimately it’s not about the “correct” application of a model. It’s about the intention with which we make contact and about finding the words that truly fit you and the situation. First practice with the notes, chords and scales. Then go and create beautiful music with it!