Anger and irritation are ways of dealing with uncomfortable feelings such as hurt and frustration. You become angry or irritated when things do not go as you wish or when someone hurts you physically or mentally. Expressing anger has certain benefits. For example, it can release tension and break through stagnant situations. However, when we are angry, we often forget that there is another human being in front of us. We become so stuck in our own narrative that we view the other person as a troublesome obstacle—someone who opposes us and deserves to be punished.
Anger is a primary fight response where there is very little space between the trigger of your anger and your reaction to it (response). The angrier you become, the less inner space you have to maintain perspective and listen, and the harder it becomes to feel and consider what you actually want. Yet the solution lies precisely in expanding that inner space. The better we learn to create space between the trigger and our reaction, the more control we gain over the nature of our response. A single second of reflection can sometimes be enough to prevent a world of suffering.
Trigger versus cause of anger
There is an important difference between the trigger and the cause of your anger or irritation. A trigger can be an external event, something someone says or does. However, the cause of your anger or irritation always lies within yourself. It is your own needs that determine how you feel. This can be a current need in the present, but also an old pain—a memory of a moment in the past when your need was not met. Another person generally does not know where your pain lies or where it comes from. Sometimes someone can say harsh things to you without it affecting you, and you simply shrug it off. But if someone accidentally touches an old wound, it can be extremely painful.
When we become angry, the following actually happens:
- We are triggered by an event, something someone says or does. For one reason or another, this is the catalyst for strong emotions to arise.
- As soon as we feel emotional pain, we find it unpleasant and would rather not feel it. Instead of enduring the discomfort and allowing the feeling, our thinking takes over. We form negative thought patterns and mental analyses about what the other person did wrong, and blame someone or something for the situation.
- We become fixated on a single strategy—one specific way in which we believe another person should give us what we desire. We make the other person responsible for the fulfillment of our need.
- Consequently, we become angry because the other person does not meet our expectations. If we attack the other person for this, there is a high probability they will counter-attack. This further confirms our image of them as an enemy and leads to even more rage.
Swallowing anger or spitting it out?
If you express your anger or irritation in an assertive manner, you convey it in a calm, rational way, such that the other person’s feelings are not hurt while you still stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, this is not always successful. If you do not express your anger to others but swallow it instead, this is called sub-assertiveness. If you do this for too long, you may begin to feel powerless and depressed because the situation does not change. Sometimes your anger or frustration then comes out at another time or in a different way, for example, by doing something unpleasant for the other person, such as becoming silent or neglecting a task (passive aggression).
It is also possible that you react aggressively. You then release your anger in such a way that you hurt or even damage another person. Aggression can be accompanied by swearing, shouting, blaming someone, or breaking things. Often you say or do things that you later regret, which actually only decreases the chance of getting what you truly want. And should you get what you want because of your rage, the other person does not give in wholeheartedly but out of guilt, a sense of duty, or fear. You will eventually pay the price for this later because resentment builds in the other person, which will surface sooner or later.
How you ultimately deal with your anger varies per person. Determining factors include your character, your life experiences, and your upbringing. If you were not corrected for aggressive behavior as a child, you may still be quick-tempered in later life. If your caregivers were often angry with you, there is a chance you will exhibit this behavior yourself later on. However, feelings of powerlessness and anger can also develop in a strict, authoritarian environment or through a structural lack of attention, leading to angry behavior later in life. Throughout our lives, particularly in our youth, we develop all kinds of patterns that determine our behavior in adulthood, which can still make it difficult for us to express our anger in a healthy way.
Stop being nice
Must you then be nice all the time? On the contrary, says Thomas d’Ansembourg in his book ‘Being Genuine’ (Stop Being Nice), it is better to be real. Anger is a healthy emotion and nothing to worry about. Your anger can provide you with valuable information about what is important to you. We often learn from an early age that swallowing it is the best way to deal with anger. While it is somewhat accepted for young children to lose their temper occasionally, you are quickly taught otherwise. We learn to behave and act ‘normally’. We are told that we are ‘selfish’ or ‘rude’ if we want something and that we must remain ‘calm’ and ‘polite’. We begin to feel guilty or ashamed of our needs and start to think that others suffer when we express ourselves honestly. At a certain point, we no longer recognize our own internal signals (emotions).
Ultimately, as children, we choose to be nice instead of authentic. The disadvantage of nice people is that they try to avoid disagreement and discussion and always adapt to others. In this way, you become increasingly disconnected from your own feelings and needs. It is not healthy to primarily consider others and put what you feel and want in second place. If you do this long enough, it leads to various psychological and physical complaints because you lose contact with yourself.
Anger as an alarm for the unfulfilled need
Anger is indeed a feeling, but it is a feeling that tells you that you have a need that is not being met. If you continue to think in a way that overshadows your own needs, it disrupts your natural system. If you want to be more in touch with yourself, try to become aware of which emotions are present in your life. Just as physical pain is a signal indicating that your body needs rest and care, emotional pain is an alarm light indicating that you need inner attention and care because a certain need has been compromised. Think about it. If you are annoyed by someone’s behavior, you may have a need for respect and appreciation. If you are angry or frustrated about various demands and regulations, that might indicate a need for freedom or autonomy. If you feel tired, you may have a need for rest or sleep. If you are afraid, you may have a need for safety.
Often, multiple needs are compromised at once, and frequently these are conflicting needs that cause an internal conflict. If you become angry because you feel you have to care for others too much, you probably have a need for self-care or relaxation. But at the same time, you might also find the health of your children and loving contact with your partner important. Not all needs always go together. The more contact we make with ourselves, the more deeper layers emerge that we were previously unaware of. This can be very insightful and liberating, and with this knowledge, you can look for strategies to meet all these needs. In Nonviolent Communication training, we pay a lot of attention to this. Also, with the help of Mindfulness, you can increase the distance between triggers and your reaction to them.