Nonviolent resistance and Connecting authority are sometimes confused with Nonviolent communication. This is understandable, as both approaches are rooted in the same principles of Nonviolence. Read here what they can mean for you as a parent, and what Equanimity has to offer regarding this.
Perfect parents do not exist
As a divorced parent of three teenagers and a girlfriend with two teenage daughters I can say, with some caution: I have plenty of experience with all sorts of variations of parenting stress. Subtle eye-rolling, discussions about bedtimes and screen time, different rules, different dynamics, challenging behaviour… and somewhere in between try to stay loving and remain consistent as a parent. That doesn’t always work out.
In my search for how it might well be possible, I listen regularly to Dutch podcast series ‘De Geweldloze Podcast’. To be honest: at the start I found I the presenters Marieke from Ginneken and Ilse van den Heuvel a bit annoying, but by now I really enjoy this podcast about Nonviolent resistance precisely because they remain themselves and openly share their own mistakes and fuckups.
Through this podcast I came to the work of Haim Omer and his books on Nonviolent resistance, an approach that helps parents to assume their position without struggle. What appeals to me about it is that it isn’t about perfect parenting, but about perseverance, staying present and not giving up.
What is Nonviolent resistance?
Nonviolent resistance is an approach of parenting in which parents clearly take a stance against unacceptable behaviour, without resorting to coercion or punishment and rewards. It is a form of active, engaged parenting in which you as a parent show: up to this point and no further, without damaging the relationship.
The essence of Nonviolent resistance is that you accept you have no control over your child’s behaviour, but only over your own actions. Instead of trying to change your child, you work on strengthening your own presence and emotional regulation as a parent. You show that you remain present, that you do not accept certain behaviour, and at the same time you do not give up on the relationship with your child. Nonviolent resistance combines boundaries and connection and it promotes a form of authority that is not based on power, but on relationship.
Parenting as an anchor
An important principle of non-violent resistance is that of the parent as an anchor. In a rapidly changing world which for children is sometimes overwhelming and unpredictable, children need parents that stand firm amidst the storm of an uncertain world, changing social structures in neighbourhoods, (social) media and family situations.
When a child displays destructive behaviour we sometimes lose our influence and we may start to feel powerless. Our tendency is then often to become stricter or more dominant or we let go or give in. Both reactions tend to exacerbate the problem.
Nonviolent resistance offers here a third, alternative path inspired by the philosophy of Nonviolence. Instead of more control or more distance, it is about restoring the parental presence. That requires that parents first stand firmly themselves, so that they do not get swept up in the dynamics of their child.
This foundation rests on four pillars: presence, self-control, support and structure:
- Presence is not just about being physically in the same room, but about adopting an attitude that conveys: “I am your parent, and I am staying.” This is one of the most powerful elements of Nonviolent resistance: being visibly and tangibly present, without threatening or dominating.
- Self-control means that the parent stops reacting on the basis of impulse or emotion. Instead of reacting immediately to provocations, there is more space to take a moment. Precisely by not going along with the escalation, you break through the patterns where Nonviolent resistance is explicitly aimed at.
- Support is an often underestimated factor. Many parents bear their worries alone, out of shame or the idea that they have to solve it themselves. Nonviolent resistance encourages you to break out of that isolation and reach out to the people around you you. By involving others in the process there is not just practical help, but above all it creates a sense of being supported, both for the parent and for the child.
- Finally, structure provides a framework. Within Nonviolent resistance structure is not a means of control, but a way to restore safety and predictability to the family.
Not struggle, but steadfastness
Nonviolent resistance lets go of the classic power struggle. It is not about winning or losing. In fact even, the idea that you have to win of your child often turns out to be part of the problem. Nonviolent resistance shifts the focus towards steadfastness. Parents learn that they do not have to win, but that it is enough to be present, stay and not to give up. That requires practice, patience and the endurance of discomfort.
If things in the family have already got out of hand to some extent, Nonviolent resistance offers various interventions that can be used, such as making an announcement, staging a sit-in, or calling on a support network to make this stance visible. These help the child to feel that the parent is there, will remain there, and is taking responsibility. But even if you don’t need these interventions, if you don’t have major problems with your child or within your family, it is still worthwhile to explore Nonviolent resistance. There is plenty in it for every parent to draw inspiration from.
The relationship is central
Another important principle of Nonviolent resistance is that the relationship with the child is always maintained. Setting boundaries and connecting go hand in hand. In addition to resisting undesirable behaviour, there is explicit attention to restoring contact. This can be found in small gestures: an invitation, a compliment, or simply doing something together without conditions.
These so-called relationship gestures are not ‘rewards’ as an alternative to ‘punishments’, but an essential part of Nonviolent resistance. They make it clear that the child is regarded as a person and valued, even when certain behaviour is not accepted.
Nonviolent resistance and Nonviolent communication
The Nonviolent resistance of Haim Omer is often confused with the Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. That is understandable, because the names resemble one another and both approaches are rooted in the same principles of Nonviolence. Nevertheless the emphasis lies elsewhere. Nonviolent communication focuses primarily on self-examination, and how we speak and listen to one another. Nonviolent communication is also not specifically aimed at children or parenting. Nonviolent resistance is specifically aimed at parenting and how you as a parent act when behaviour crosses boundaries.
About our training courses for parents and professionals
At Equanimity we work in our training sessions based on the principles of Non-violent communication. In the course Parenting in Connection (in Dutch) we explore with parents how they with greater awareness and connection can deal with their child and with themselves. For professionals we offer the training Connective communication for Youth – and family professionals (also in Dutch) in which the focus is on the relationship with parents, children and colleagues within the context of youth and family care.
In both training sessions the focus is on the question of how you can stay connected, especially when things get stressful or difficult . At the same time, it is important to mention that these are not training courses in Nonviolent resistance. Although there are clear points of contact between them, the emphasis is on communication and relational alignment in a broader sense.
Finally (and a few tips)
Non-violent resistance requires that you stop trying to control a9> control, and begins to position yourself position. That you remain present, even when it is difficult. That you set boundaries without the relationship to give. It is not a quick solution but a shift from powerlessness to responsibility, from struggle to steadfastness and from standing alone to being connected.
For those who wish to learn more about Non-violent resistance and Connective authority listen to The Nonviolent Podcast or read Courageous Parenting and No-violent resistance: Guide for parents. These books provide a great deal of depth and practical guidance to take Non-violent resistance to the challenge yourself on.