Paul Gilbert’s theory on Emotion Regulation emphasizes that a healthy balance between three systems (the Threat System, the Drive System, and the Soothing System) is essential for our well-being. When one system dominates, we feel out of balance, which can lead to problems such as anxiety, depression, or a lack of social connections. In this blog post, I discuss the three emotion regulation systems and we look at how Nonviolent communication and Mindfulness can contribute to more peace and balance.
The three systems of emotion regulation
We live in a time where many people feel rushed. Deadlines, expectations, social pressure, and constant stimuli mean that we are ‘on’ all day long. This does us no good. Perhaps you notice that you sometimes lash out irritably, even though you didn’t really want to. That you just can’t quiet your mind at the end of the day. It can seem as if you have no choice, as if you are simply being pulled along in a continuous urge for stimulation.
It is tempting then to seek relaxation in scrolling on your phone, exercising hard, drinking alcohol, or binge-watching Netflix series. In itself, this can be quite nice or pleasant at times, but do you ever do absolutely nothing? What would happen if you sought out the silence? Being constantly “on” is one of the main causes of burnout. If your brain and body do not get a chance to rest and recharge, it leads to chronic stress.
According to psychologist Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and author of the book The Compassionate Mind, this is not surprising. According to Gilbert, our emotional life is largely driven by three systems in our brain: the Threat System, the Drive System, and the Soothing System. Together, these systems help us survive, achieve goals, and find rest. But if we remain stuck in the ‘doing mode’ of the first two systems and no longer enter the ‘resting mode’ of the last one, this has concerning consequences for our body and mind.
Illustration based on Paul Gilbert
The threat system: always on high alert
You receive an email from your supervisor with the words “Can I speak with you for a moment?”. Before you know it, you feel tension in your stomach, your heart rate quickens, and all sorts of disaster scenarios race through your mind. This is your threat system (the panic mode) at work: the ancient alarm system that constantly scans for danger. It runs on stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol.
This system involves emotions such as anger, fear, and disgust and has evolved in all animals. Its function is to help us identify and respond to threats. It is therefore also called the threat system. Once activated, this system directs physiology, attention, thinking, behavior, and emotion to achieve safety.
In prehistoric times, this was of vital importance. It ensured that you could immediately flee from a predator or react to a threat. Nowadays, it is just as easily activated by social situations: criticism, rejection, or even your own worrying thoughts. The body still reacts in the same way: fight, flight, or freeze. Useful in the event of real danger, but often disproportionate in our daily lives.
The drive system: always on the way to more
In addition to threat, we also need motivation to get moving. The drive system, or incentive system, gives us the energy to seek out food, shelter, work, and social status. It makes us enthusiastic, goal-oriented, and focused. The feeling of satisfaction after achieving a goal comes directly from this system via the reward hormone dopamine.
This ‘doing mode’ is linked to pleasant emotions with higher energy, such as excitement and joy, which motivate us to move toward resources and goals that may be useful to us, and make us feel good when we achieve them. This is how we get things done that are useful for ourselves and others.
Yet this system also has its downside. In a society focused on performance and more, the drive system can work overtime. You achieve one goal and are already busy with the next. There never seems to be rest, never enough. What was once intended as a source of motivation can lead to exhaustion and a sense of emptiness. The addictive nature of (social) media is based on permanently feeding this mode.
The soothing system: at home within yourself
And then there is a third system: the soothing system, or the calming system. This system brings us to rest and allows us to experience that we are safe and connected. It enables us to relax, recover, and enjoy the moment. Think of the deep satisfaction you can feel when talking to a good friend, taking a warm bath, or when someone puts an arm around you.
The soothing system is linked to feelings such as contentment, calmness, and safety, which help us experience periods of rest and peace when we do not need to be alert or try to achieve things. In Mindfulness, this is also referred to as the ‘being’ mode or ‘rest’ mode.
The calming system is just as necessary for our survival as the other two. Without rest and connection, we become exhausted. It is the foundation of our resilience. This system is associated with healthy digestion, giving and receiving care, intimacy, sleep, and processing events. The hormones that activate this system, such as oxytocine and serotonin, bring a sense of warmth, calmness, and well-being.
The soothing system is less active in many people. We have become so accustomed to being ‘on,’ being alert, and performing, that we forget how to come home to ourselves.
Emotion regulation: finding balance
Paul Gilbert’s theory emphasizes that a good balance between the three systems is essential for our emotional well-being. When one system dominates too much, we can feel out of balance, which can lead to problems such as anxiety, depression, or a lack of social connections.
The experiences in our lives determine how these three systems develop. For some people, this may mean that their threat system is quickly activated, and they may, for example, react more readily with anger or fear to potential problems in work or private situations. It is no one’s fault when this happens. Knowledge of the three systems can, however, help you understand yourself better and think about how you can find more balance in your life.
Self-care with Nonviolent communication and Mindfulness
Although the three systems are fixed in our biological functioning, they are fortunately also learning systems. Through practice and new experiences, your brain can rewire itself, allowing you to correct a dominant threat or drive system (neuroplasticity).
There are various ways in which you can activate and cultivate your soothing system, your rest mode. Within Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and Compassionate Mind Training (CMT), as developed based on Professor Gilbert’s model, this is done by consciously focusing on developing compassion for yourself and others.
But also in the Nonviolent communication and Mindfulness training courses as we offer them at Equanimity, we aim for the same. By practicing compassion and self-compassion, we reduce the threat system, make the drive system more effective and focused, and cultivate the soothing system.
In the tradition of Nonviolence or Ahimsa, we examine how we how we treat ourselves and others, and what the real causes of our (primary) reactions and feelings are: our needs. Emotion regulation is strengthened by a combination of Nonviolent Communication and Mindfulness, because Mindfulness helps with the conscious observation of feelings and needs, and Nonviolent communication provides tools to communicate these feelings and needs in a constructive way. This combination promotes self-knowledge, compassion, and a deeper connection with others.
When we learn to recognize ourselves better within these three systems, something important emerges: freedom of choice. Space is created between the triggers that come our way and our reaction to them. We react less quickly on autopilot and become more skilled at being able to pause, breathe, and align our reaction with what is truly important to us. This is the core of Equanimity: remaining present with what arises, without becoming overwhelmed. It does not mean that we no longer feel emotions, but that we can handle them with more kindness and stability.
Image: Marco Verch
The video below clearly explains the three systems: