Nonviolent resistance and Nonviolent communication are sometimes confused. That is understandable, because both approaches have their roots in the same source: the principles of Nonviolence. Read here what they can mean for you as a parent, and what Equanimity has to offer on this subject .
Perfect parents do not exist
As an educationalist I noticed at a certain point that the conventional parenting methods were no longer sufficient for me. I was looking for something new, for the pedagogy of the future. Because if we do something different at the very beginning, the result will be something different as well. That is how I came across Nonviolent Communication and in it I found an answer to what for me that pedagogy of the future is.
With now two teenagers in the house, I have every day practice material, which gives me lots of fun, humour and enjoyment every day. And also regularly frustration, tiredness and the familiar ‘ can I stick them behind the wallpaper for a while’ idea. As Marshall Rosenberg put it: “Hell is having children and thinking there is such a thing as a good parent.”
Two branches, one root
Where Nonviolent resistance can be seen as a pedagogical method Nonviolent communication is rather a way of life than a parenting strategy, and covers a broader spectrum of life. It is about three processes: connection with yourself, self-expression and empathic listening. Who am I as a parent? What touches me in my inner self in everyday parenting situations? And what does my child really need? From that inner foundation, you look and listen to your child in a different way.
Non-violent resistance helps parents to take a stand against unacceptable a6> stand against unacceptable behaviour, without coercion, punishment or reward. The key point is that you have no control over your behaviour of your child, but you do have control over your own actions. Instead of trying to change your child, work on strengthening your own behaviour. a37> it strengthening of your own presence and emotional regulation. By staying present, controlling yourself and not giving up the relationship, there arises authority that is not based on power, but on connection. That is why it is also often referred to as Connective authority.
This sense of security rests on four pillars: presence, self-control, support and structure. Presence is not just about being physically in the same room, but about an attitude that conveys: I am your parent, and I am here to stay. Self-control means taking a step back rather than reacting on impulse. Support is about breaking through isolation; by involving others, a sense of being supported is created, for both the parent and the child. And structure provides a sense of security, not as a means of control but as a way of restoring safety and predictability.
Both approaches complement each other perfectly well. They share the same roots and focus on the same goal: parenting that is not based on power, but on relationship. Nonviolent resistance offers practical guidance for how action in difficult situations. Nonviolent communication provides the inner foundation to act from a place of connection to be able to act with your child and with yourself.
Not struggle, but steadfastness
Both Non-violent resistance and Nonviolent communication let the classic power struggle go It is not about winning or losing. It is not about winning or losing. In fact even more so, the idea that you have to win of your child often turns out to be precisely part of the problem. The focus shifts to steadfastness: you don’t have to win, it is enough to stay present and not to give up. That requires practice, patience and the ability to endure discomfort.
At the same time, the relationship with the child always remains the starting point. Setting boundaries and building connections go hand in hand. Alongside addressing undesirable behaviour, there is a strong focus on restoring contact through small gestures, an invitation, doing something together without conditions. These so-called relational gestures are not an alternative to punishment, but an essential part of connected parenting. They make it clear that the child is seen and valued as a person, even when certain behaviour is not accepted.
What does Equanimity offer?
At Equanimity, our training courses are based on the principles of Nonviolent Communication. In the course Parenting with Connection, parents explore how they can interact with their child and with themselves with greater awareness and connection. For professionals, we offer the training course Nonviolent Communication for Youth and Family Professionals, which focuses on relationships with parents, children and colleagues within the context of youth and family care.
In both training sessions the focus is on how you can stay a9> stay connected, especially when things get stressful or difficult get. It is not a quick solution, but a shift from powerlessness to responsibility, from struggle to steadfastness, from standing alone to being connected.
Would you also like more connection in your parenting? Then sign up for one of our training courses.
For those who wish to explore further Non-violent resistance and Connective authority listen to The Nonviolent Podcast or read Courageous Parenting and Nonviolent resistance: Guide for parents.