As thinking organisms, we humans have a tendency to judge everything that comes our way. In itself, this is quite logical: judgments help us get a grip on the world and feel safe within the complex communities in which we live. At the same time, thoughts tend to trigger new thoughts. They are like a moving train that you jump onto without knowing where it ends. Before you know it, you are at a final destination wondering how you got there.
A problem arises when we begin to confuse our judgments and interpretations with reality. Thoughts are not facts. If we start to view our interpretations as ‘normal’, ‘reasonable’, or ‘logical’ and leave no room for other perspectives, it can lead to misunderstanding, argument, and conflict in communication with others.
Triggers and listening
When we are triggered by something someone says or does, our automatic reaction is often to translate that trigger into a judgment about the other person or ourselves. If you want to gain more control over your thoughts, it helps to become aware of what you are actually hearing before you step onto the train of thought.
Just as you can look at a situation through different eyes, you can also listen with different ears. Within Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, different ways of listening are distinguished. These are represented by two animals: the jackal and the giraffe.
The jackal and the giraffe
Within Nonviolent communication, the giraffe is used as a symbol of compassion. The giraffe is known as the land mammal with the largest heart. Additionally, with its long neck, it can find and eat the soft leaves among the sharp thorns of the acacia tree. This image symbolizes the ability to continue seeing the underlying feelings and needs, even in the midst of criticism, judgment, and accusations.
The giraffe focuses on feelings and connects these feelings with needs that are or are not being met. In this way, it remains connected to itself, to the other, and to the present moment. The jackal symbolizes reacting and acting from the head. When we are confronted with unpleasant feelings, the jackal often jumps to the question: who is to blame here? Sometimes we direct this outward and blame the other, sometimes inward and experience guilt or shame.
The jackal denies its pain and communicates through judgment, manipulation, and aggression. It rarely lives in the here and now, but is preoccupied with the past or future disaster scenarios. The giraffe can help the jackal reconnect with its feelings in the present moment and translate its anger, criticism, or reproaches into the language of the heart: feelings and needs.
The giraffe is not ‘good’ and the jackal is not ‘bad’; that would be a typical jackal thing to say. We carry both within us. Jackal reactions are the learned, automatic survival strategies that helped us get through difficult situations in the past with the resources we had at our disposal then. Most importantly, we learn to recognize which voice is speaking at any given moment, so we can consciously choose how we listen and respond.
Four ways of listening (the four ears)
We can use the metaphor of the jackal and the giraffe to distinguish four different ways of listening. In Nonviolent communication, these are also referred to as the four ears. These ears can be directed outward or inward, and can possess jackal or giraffe qualities.
1. Jackal ears outward
With jackal ears outward, you primarily hear what is wrong with the other person. The message is directly translated into interpretations and judgments. Imagine someone says to you, “You are such a mess.”
If you are wearing jackal ears outward, you hear this as criticism and your reaction might be, “What on earth? You’re the one who always leaves everything lying around!” This way of listening increases the chance of conflict and polarization.
2. Jackal ears inward
With jackal ears inward, you take the message completely personally. The judgment is now directed inward. The inner voice sounds like: “Oh dear, here we go again, I’ve clearly made a mess of things once more.” This listening undermines your self-confidence and increases feelings of guilt and shame. From this place, we might apologize or try to make amends out of a sense of inferiority, rather than from the heart.
3. Giraffe ears inward
With giraffe ears inward, you listen empathically to yourself. You are curious about what is being touched within you, without judging yourself. “A mess? That is painful to hear. Something is triggered in me that makes this very difficult to hear.” Perhaps you discover irritation, sadness, or insecurity within yourself, pointing to a need for recognition, peace, or support.
4. Giraffe ears outward
With giraffe ears outward, you listen beyond words and tone, hearing the unmet needs of the other. Instead of an attack, you hear the other person’s frustration or powerlessness in their words. You can imagine that the other person might have a need for overview, cooperation, or clarity. From this way of listening, space for dialogue and connection is created.
Freedom of choice in what you hear
We are often unaware that what we hear is, in a sense, a choice. By learning to recognize which ears we are wearing, space is created to consciously choose how to respond. Being the master of your own ear does not mean you accept everything, but that you learn to listen in a way that contributes to clarity, connection, and inner peace.
It is not as if you simply become immune to the criticism or reproaches of others. It is more likely that you will still initially hear something through the ears of the external or internal jackal. But by beginning to recognize this inner reaction, your automatic response is slowed down and your identification with the thoughts that follow is reduced. This creates space to give yourself empathy, regulate your emotions, and, with any luck, perhaps even experience the space to offer empathy to the other.
Listening is not automatic. It is a skill. And every time you choose different ears, you practice that skill anew. Nonviolent communication is just like dancing, making music, or playing sports; you can practice it and make it increasingly your own. This is what you learn in our training courses.
Image: thanks to Jan Willem Dijkstra from Left Handed Retouch