Although you likely experience shame and guilt from time to time, there is a high probability that you cannot clearly explain the difference between the two, or articulate exactly how these emotions feel. This is not surprising, as we prefer not to feel shame and guilt, and we certainly prefer not to talk about them.
Shame is not something exclusive to people with major traumas, but something everyone experiences regarding everyday themes such as appearance, work, parenting, family, age, religion, and health. A well-known author in the field of shame is the American researcher Brené Brown. In her research over the past 15 years, three characteristics of shame consistently emerge:
- Everyone feels shame. It is one of the most primitive human emotions we have experienced since humans developed the capacity for connection and empathy. Shame stems from the fear of being excluded from the group.
- Everyone is instinctively afraid to talk about shame. We even feel shame when we hear someone else talking about it; it is that contagious.
- The less we talk about shame, the more it controls our lives. Together, we maintain a system in which we do not dare to talk about shame because we do not want to make others feel uncomfortable. As a result, shame often remains hidden and undiscussed, but that is precisely why it can continue to hold us in its grip.
According to Brown, shame is such an intense emotion for humans because we are hardwired for connection, love, and recognition. The feeling of ‘belonging’ gives our lives meaning and is the result of tens of thousands of years of evolution—a matter of survival by not being cast out of the group. When we feel shame, we experience fear that we have done something wrong or failed to do something, that we have not kept an agreement, or have not achieved a certain goal. We feel inferior and believe we are unworthy of the other person’s love, which is why shame can be a truly traumatic feeling, especially for children. We experience shame as literally painful: our brains process physical pain and the experience of social rejection in the same way. Neuroscientific research shows that the same parts of our brains light up during shame and physical pain. And just as with physical pain, we have difficulty putting emotional pain into words.
The distinction between shame and guilt
Shame arises when you do not meet prevailing norms and values. Guilt arises when you feel responsible for something. A crucial difference between feeling shame and guilt is the way you think about yourself. Shame manifests as the negative language you use toward yourself in terms of what you are (“I am stupid,” “I am ugly,” “I am a bad parent/friend/partner”), and it arises when you feel that you are not good as you are. Guilt, on the other hand, relates to your behavior (“I should have paid more attention, then this accident wouldn’t have happened,” “I shouldn’t have drunk so much, then I wouldn’t have overslept”). The major difference, therefore, is that with guilt, your self-image does not necessarily have to be called into question. You may have done something wrong or strange, but you still believe that you are essentially okay as you are.
Knowing the distinction between guilt and shame is therefore important. If you call a child who has lied a “dishonest brat,” or someone who has stolen something a “worthless thief,” it comes at the expense of the part of them that believes they can be different. Because “if that is what I am, how can I ever become different?” Everyone needs a certain foundation of self-worth to see the possibility of change in themselves. Sincere apologies always stem from guilt and not from shame. If you have done something that contradicted your values and is not in line with who you want to be, you can regret that behavior and offer a sincere apology. It can even be a positive experience because you were able to learn from it. Shame, conversely, leads to violence. If you are backed into a corner and feel that your safety and self-worth are being threatened, you are very likely to lash out. The neurobiological explanation for this is that the feeling of shame is so primal that it directly triggers the ‘fight or flight’ responses of our limbic system.
According to Brené Brown, various studies show that the extent to which a person tends to talk about themselves in terms of shame (‘shame proneness’) is strongly associated with a tendency toward addiction, anxiety, depression, violence, bullying, and eating disorders. At the same time, it appears that the extent to which a person tends to talk about themselves in terms of guilt (‘guilt proneness’)—meaning in terms of “I am a good person, but I sometimes make wrong choices”—actually reduces the chance of facing these troubles. The ability to distinguish between these different emotions is therefore an important component in developing resilience against stress, abuse, and depression. You can develop this resilience by learning to name and understand different emotions and by becoming aware of how you speak to yourself and others.
Empathy as an antidote
The antidote to shame and guilt is empathy. After all, the core of shame and guilt is that there is a judgment behind what is wrong with you or your behavior. Empathy is, by definition, always 100% without judgment. Empathy can also free you from the loneliness you feel when you feel guilty. When you feel guilt, you are actually taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings and needs, which is impossible to carry for another person. But if you face the painful consequences of your actions, you can still feel a great deal of sadness and grieve for something, but that is different from continuing to feel guilty. (Self-)empathy can remove guilt and lead to forgiveness and self-forgiveness.
Image: Brené Brown. This blog was inspired by her podcast ‘On shame and accountability’